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They say that if you can’t talk, write

They say that if you can’t talk, then write but what if feel like no one is really listening regardless of whether it’s written or said.

I’ve got so much that I want to say but can’t write it so it makes sense to me or you.

I don’t need someone to fix me or tell me what to do, I just need someone to listen to me without judgement and stand beside me instead of me feeling like I’m standing alone all the time and that I am a burden on them.

Well, soooooo much as changed over the last 9 months but one thing that remains the same is my head and the feeling of loneliness. For someone who suffers crippling anxiety from feeling alone and unworthy of anyone’s love and attention, the last few weeks have been so hard.

Leaving a secure job with lots of people who were classed as close friends, was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in years. I don’t know if I’ve made the right decision, my head is all over the place. I honestly feel like running away from it all but I’ve done it and I’ll pick up what pieces I need to from whatever happens from here.

I think over the last year. I’ve discovered who I can rely on, who I should take a step back from and who has never really been in my corner. I pulled back from most people around me, which I know doesn’t help with feeling lonely but it’s the only way I know how to protect ME!

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146. Trying not to let the anxiety win.

It’s finally Friday and I’m exhausted. It’s been a full on few days and I’m not sure if I’m tired from being back at school after the summer break or from battling my mind this week.

The conversations and whirlpool that are consuming my head at the moment are pulling me in many different directions. I wake up each morning not knowing which way is up. My heads feels I’m trying to stay positive about many parts of my life. I’ve got things happening this year that should keep me busy but I don’t know how to currently feel about everything. I just really don’t know what to think, feel or do at the moment. I can’t even begin to explain it, my mind just shuts down thinking about it all.

One of my problems is wanting the change but knowing that my mind isn’t strong enough to cope with any more major changes at the moment. Moving house has been tough enough without thinking of any other major changes.

My anxiety is trying to win but I can’t and won’t let it. I’ve got to fight it.

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145. I really shouldn’t write at night.

Last night I did one of those ‘blogging while not really conscious’ things again. Re-reading it this morning, I was just grateful that I did post it too. The post was called, I don’t think I’ll ever truly let anyone in ever again.

It was about 11pm, I’d just gone to bed, I had put on a hypnotherapy track called ‘fear of abandonment.’ I often listen to this one at night as it’s supposed to make me feel less lonely and helps me fall asleep.

When about 3 minutes into the track, I felt the overwhelming need to write down the title of a blog, as above, in the notes of the phone. I’m not sure how much longer but I found myself suddenly writing a blog post on that topic. It was dark, really dark. I don’t know what was going on in my head but maybe I just needed to get it all out. To be honest, a lot of what I wrote last night was totally true, however actually letting anyone else know that’s how I truly felt would not be the best thing. See maybe what the title meant is how I really feel about everything. I honestly don’t know if I will ever let anyone totally in ever again. That’s quite a sad thought for me to have but I feel like I’m back feeling like I did last year. Not wanting to reach out for help for the fear of disturbing anyone, keeping everything in again, feeling extremely lonely and locking up my defenses. Let’s not mention the mask, I don’t think it’ll ever come off again.

I’m not going to lie, the last few weeks/month have been getting tougher again. I made it through what can only be described as ‘the worst year of my working life’ felt totally abandoned and unsupported by those you should/could have helped. The damage of feeling like this left me at my heaviest weight I’ve ever been, reliant on a cocktail of drugs to get me through each day, a fear of never knowing what each day would bring and an overwhelming feeling of not belonging in a place and job that I love.

Anyway, I need to get up and tackle some of the mess down stairs in a vain attempt to make the house not look like the shit show it is. Let’s just leave the feelings and unhappiness where they normally are and not deal with them.

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141. Grief

They say that grief gets easier over time, I don’t know if that’s true but for me, it’s still as raw as day 1.

For me, my grief journey had been really messy (and definitely didn’t follow the 5 stages I’d been promised). I’m not the person I was a few years ago, I waste money on things, in the vain attempt of making me feel better, I eat far too much and drink maybe more than I should as a comfort thing, I’m living life on a complete YOLO high, then find myself standing in the shower, wishing I could make my hurt go away. I hid my true feelings behind a mask every day, away from everyone, kept deep inside where they are safe and away from everyone.

It wasn’t until I’d lost my dad 4 years ago that the resounding voice of my own mortality grew louder than ever. I realised that I was lost. I realised that I’d bottled up so much of my grief. I realised I wasn’t looking after myself and that I was my refusing grief, I’d become anxious, depressed, overwhelmed and scared to let down my walls, and struggled to let people in.

I ‘m feeling so stuck, I don’t know how to move forward despite my grief, but at the moment, in my heart, I know that I was need to start reclaiming my life. I need to get unstuck. I need to explore what would make ME feel good, to find my purpose and be the daughter my dad would have wanted to be, but most importantly, to be the person I want to be. I have nothing but a big fire in my belly for change, a huge hole in my heart, and no real idea how feeling better is even possible, but I know I can’t stay where I am.

A long list of fears repeat in my head, telling me I will never be able to trust anyone or the world again, that I won’t be able to find happiness with myself, and that if I did I should feel guilty about it, that I am unstable and too sensitive, that the only option is medication, that I’d never know who I was, that I’d never be fully happy, that I was broken, that I was strange for not ‘getting over’ my grief sooner, that I wasn’t deserving of happiness, that other people had it better than me, that I wasn’t good enough or capable enough to live with both grief and peace in my heart. My inner critic continued to tell me that it would be safer to ignore my grief, to bottle it up, to be resilient and push it aside, that living with grief just isn’t normal or possible…just as it had for years.

You see, for one reason or another, we’re told that we’ll go through the 5 stages of grief and then it’ll be finished, the grief will go away. It is this that makes us feel strange and wrong when grief shows itself as the gut-wrenching, nonlinear, never-ending journey that it is.

Grieving isn’t a one-and-done process. We don’t get over grief, and that’s ok, because we learn to move forward with grief. Grief recovery is different for everyone because no one every loses the same relationship as anyone else.

Grief leaves an unrepairable mark on your heart and a loneliness that can never be explained to anyone.

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140. Pffffff!!!

Home again to finally and thankfully take off the mask for the weekend. It’s been a stressful week but it’s over and I’m home, behind my safe doors and it’s finally time to be me.

This week has been full of ups and downs but at least the hardest week of May is over now and done for another year. I’m feeling mentally exhausted by this period of weeks and it’s just started.

I’ve not spoken to anyone about how I’m feeling for ages now. I managed to get to the end of the sessions with my therapist without really saying how I’m feeling. Radars are there to sneak under aren’t they.

One positive, if I can call it that, is that I think I’ve finally reached a point where the drugs make the days bearable and they also allow me to sleep every night. Not really sure if that’s good or bad thing though. The crack is still there, just plastered underneath another layer.

Not sure if 2 days will be enough of a recharge though. Only 2 weeks to go.

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139. The worse part of depression is the loneliness.

It’s been a couple of months since I’ve posted a blog publicly. It’s been a tough few weeks and some days have been really tough to get through. But I got through them and that’s all that matters. The last few months have taught me many things but most importantly, that things need to change. Something needs to change so I don’t keep feeling lonely all the time.

Loneliness is like an emptiness that just never goes away. It’s like sitting in a full stadium but feeling completely alone. It’s like looking around and knowing that no-one really knows how I feel or how I really am. It’s like falling into a deep hole, all alone with darkness around me. Loneliness isn’t just being alone but the lack of engagement from others.

I think that loneliness is the hardest part of depression to heal from. In reality I can talk through any problems with my therapists, friends or family, but at the end of the day, my mind and my thoughts are keeping me locked in this loneliness trap, where I feel completely alone.

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138. Another year older.

I write this on the eve of my 45th birthday and birthday #2 in lockdown.

Birthdays are always hard for me, in fact I dread them. Another year older and another year of feeling so alone. It’s also another year of me having not fulfilled my dreams.

I wonder how long it will take me to cry tomorrow. Will I make it until 9am or not? I have warned those who are likely to see me tomorrow that I will no doubt be crying.

After Monday’s doctors appointment, the change of meds has brought about the return of my much loved headaches. Oh how I haven’t missed them. This weeks therapy session was also another tough one for me.

All that aside, tomorrow will definitely be filled with chocolate brownies, let’s hope that they can take away some of the sadness.

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137. I may look ok but looks can be deceiving.

I may look ok, maybe you think I am getting better but I’m far from better. I’m exhausted, not going to lie. I’m exhausted from trying to be the person everyone wants me to be but it’s not the person I actually am. Recently I’ve been keeping ALOT in, not because I don’t have ears that will listen but because to me those ears are not really listening to what I am saying and so I’ve stopped talking. Is that healthy, most probably not but I don’t really have any other option.

I am just trying to get through each day at the moment but I know I am going to crash again really soon. Therapy last night was another emotional one, they are getting really deep now and I’ve only got 3 sessions left before

The problem is I’ve forgotten who Faye is anymore, because I’ve lived so long now with a mask on that I don’t know who I am, I just know I’m not that person who is in the photos. Who is that strange face that peers back at me from the mirror? I don’t remember being the happy person anymore.

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135. It really shouldn’t be this hard.

I currently feel like a swan on a fast flowing river heading towards really strong rapids. I’m paddling so hard under the water whilst trying to remain composed on top, but I can feel myself floating quickly towards the rapids and not knowing if I will sink or swim.

It really shouldn’t be this hard to be happy and to not feel so broken all of the time. I’m feeling so completely alone at the moment and I don’t know what to do.

I’m stuck in the middle of desperately wanting help from others but not wanting to disturb anyone. I’ve typed out messages to people and then deleted them because I am desperately trying not to need anyone to help me but knowing that deep down I do.

I don’t know how to describe the feeling to others, people have asked me this week how I am feeling and I just don’t know how to answer anymore. I said to someone yesterday that I feel like I’m desperately needing a massive cry, but I just can’t cry, I think I am so scared of breaking down because I’m not really sure I will will be able to stop. I also don’t to cry alone anymore, I want someone to sit with me but I know no one can, could, will or would.

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132. The dark clouds are returning.

I would say over the last two weeks the sinking feeling feels harder to escape. I can feel the clouds looming ever closer, and I don’t know how to escape them.

I’ve never felt the way I do at present before and I don’t know what to do to make it better. I’ve never felt so out of place in a place that I love than I do right now. Am I being too fussy or selfish to want to be happy again? I sit at my desk, looking at the lovely pictures my class have drawn me and I just feel so empty. I know the country is in the middle of a major pandemic but my heart is just longing to have a proper conversation with any of my friends and to just feel like I’m worthy of being me.

I feel like I’m fighting this battle that no one understands or wants to help me win. I long to have the courage to ask for the assistance that I need and to actually receive it.

I feel like I’m always the one doing the chasing and if I don’t, then I’m brushed aside even more. That has become apparent quite clearly these last two weeks. I’m so easy to ignore. I’m just the needy one who’s a burden to those around her. I feel invisible, I feel worthless, I feel empty, I feel numb and numb is somehow worse.

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131. Will I ever be good enough?

Another week done and it’s not even 6pm as I write this and I’d love nothing more than to go to bed already. Put the week behind me properly.

This week was full of a few ups and many downs. Therapy was full on and left me feeling emotionally broken this week. I have so many thoughts and feelings whirling around my head at the moment but especially after each Wednesday session. She can’t decide which part of my issues she has time to treat in the short time I have with her. I’ve been tested for PTSD again and apparently I disassociate too much to have the best treatment available and we can’t pinpoint when the first traumatic experience happened although we have managed to work out it’s definitely an abandonment/attachment thing.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt like such a burden to those around me, I’m keeping almost everything in now, the walls have had another layer of bricks added. My fear of abandonment has never felt so high. My mask is rarely taken off at present.

The hardest part at the moment is that I just can’t shake this feeling of never being good enough. I don’t think there’s any part of my life where I feel good enough for those around me be it work, home, family or friends.

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130. The pain of depression and trying to be strong.

It’s absolutely exhausting suffering from depression. Fighting against the overwhelming sadness that I have is exhausting. I don’t want to be strong anymore, I want to get better and that involves not being strong all the time. I’m just tired of feeling tired.

Depression makes my mind overthink ALL the time so it is exhausting just trying to come across as “normal” or “fine” to others and is exhausting fighting the constant thoughts inside me. I’m exhausted from trying to be strong so I do feel like I can ask for help. I’m trying harder than ever to keep it all hidden from those around me. My fears of abandonment so strong that I can’t let anyone near me long enough for them to see the person behind the smile.

I don’t know how to stop the pain but I’m trying to find the answer. I’m back at therapy (again) and it’s tough going and we are only 2 weeks in. I just want to cry but the meds are making me so numb that I don’t have any emotions anymore. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to let my emotions out.

Today I had to sit and try and do a timeline of my life and the major events. Apart from the couple of major incidents in my early childhood, my life was pretty uneventful up to my mid/late twenties. Then a few things here and there happened and then all of a sudden like a bolt out of the blue, I was a single mum with a 1 year old, no job, trying to keep us both alive, cared for and fed whilst battling the worse heartbreak ever alone. Just trying to work out dates today to add to the timeline just heartbreaking, so much loss and grief all in such a relatively short time. My whole world was turned upside down on multiple occasions, one after the other and then I had to score each event out of 10 and try to explain how each one made me feel. The last few years have felt like in drowning and each time I try and stand up and steady myself I’m knocked down by another large wave and I’m struggling to breathe yet again. Longing for someone to help me find my feet again.

I’ve sat tonight and thought about this task ad I can’t explain how sad and broken it left me feeling. I can’t even feel anything any more apart from numbness.

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129. I’ve given up asking for the help I need.

I’ve reached the point of giving up on asking for help as it’s never given even when I do.

People are never there when I need them so I’ve stopped looking and asking.

Is it a burden thing, god only knows what people think of me when they see me or when I contact them. “Oh here comes Faye being over dramatic yet again, quick hide or look busy so she doesn’t bother us! “

You see, not asking for help is the norm for me because of everything I’ve been through in my life. It’s what I’m used to. It’s all I’ve ever known and the problem is just getting worse the older I get.

Help is the one thing I can’t seem to get from others, I don’t know why but guess it’s because maybe I look like or give off signs that I don’t need it when I desperately do.

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127. Things I’d like you to know – Please read.

There are loads of things that I’d like you to know about having a mental health condition, especially depression.

January is always one of the hardest months for me to get through and this year I feel 100 times worse than normal. Battling my mind every day is exhausting at the best of times, at the moment that’s even harder.

There many things that people saying to me almost daily, however well meaning they are, quite often they do more harm than good.

So here are some of the things I’m fed up with.

  • Having to pretend to be happy so I don’t upset you.
  • No one taking me seriously in regards to how I feel.
  • Being told to be more positive.
  • People saying that I must be ok now as we’ve have a break And I’ve had a rest.
  • People saying I can’t be sad because others have it worse.
  • Having to fight the demons inside my head every day.
  • people telling me that I can’t feel sad or lonely.
  • Feeling ashamed of being sad.
  • Feeling like I can’t ask for help.
  • Feeling like I’m disturbing you or disappointing you.
  • Being ignored.
  • Feeling so lonely.

My mental health doesn’t work the way you want it to.

Depression is a hole inside me that I don’t know how to feel or heal from. Having depression is not a choice, it’s a complex medical disorder. It’s like being followed by a cloud and I can’t escape it. I take medication to try and balance the chemicals in my brain not because I want to. It’s not just a phase, I can’t snap out of it. Some days I don’t want to get up but I do so that people aren’t let down.

I’m not doing this for attention, I’m doing this because my mind is broken. I’m not feeling sorry for myself.

I’m trying my hardest not to feel like this. Trust me, I don’t want to feel like this but I don’t have the control. I don’t want to feel ashamed for my depression, it doesn’t define me. I’m not broken just because I’m depressed. I don’t want to feel ashamed for asking for help or for asking you to be there for me.

Sometimes just knowing I have someone to talk to makes all the difference yet I feel like I’m a burden on you when I do.

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125. The worse thing about depression.

Depression — one of the darkest places I have ever been in. It is hard to describe how it feels, but one way is that it feels like a dark cloud comes to settle over you. it often feels like a storm raging inside my head. The darkness is deep as I search for the light switch. It consumes everything – thoughts, feelings, motivation. It leaves you so fatigued that all you want to do is stay in bed. It’s not just one bad day, it’s constant and can last for weeks and sometimes months.

The main feeling often I find associated with depression is sadness. There is often such a deep sense of sadness, not over a particular event or happening, it just is there — it’s such an intense hurt that it’s often felt physically too.

One feeling which is often felt too, but not always spoken about, is the feeling of nothing. Neither happy nor sad, just a total numbness. For me personally, this is often worse than feeling down. To feel nothing can leave me feeling stuck and as if I’m are watching the world carry on. I don’t feel like myself but more like a robot going through the motions of life. A smile is never genuine anymore — just done out of politeness and even more painful is I can’t even cry anymore.

All the emotions I should be feeling, aren’t there and aren’t able to be expressed and for me, this is the most suffocating place to be in.

Being around people can make the problem worse as while I’ll be there physically, mentally I’m miles away. I can never understand how people can feel things so naturally when I’m struggling to make any kind of connection with anything or anyone around me. Frustration breeds here and that’s why isolation is sometimes easier. It’s easier to be by myself than to try and explain my feelings to those around me.

The worst thing about the numbness is I know it doesn’t last. At some point the emotions will come rushing back —usually like a huge wave and hit me all at once. If I feel sadness, it will be so deep that I want out. If I feel anxious, it’ll be so great that I snap at those around me just because I’m so overwhelmed with my mind.

Though numbness appears to be easier than feeling sad, it’s not. It’s frustrating and devastating.

I hate the person I become when the sadness hits and can see why you wouldn’t want to be around me too.

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124. When numbness feels worse than sadness.

Feeling numb to everything feels worse than it does to feel sad. At least with sadness, there’s hope. With numbness there’s nothing, good or bad. It feels like I’m living in limbo, not going anywhere, not feeling anything and not wanting to go on. The numbness can’t be explained to others so there’s no point asking for help when no one can actually help.

The problem with taking anti depressants is that they are somewhat strangely called happy pills when that’s actually the last thing they do. They just make the sky completely grey inside of hoping that the sun can burst out of the clouds. They take away the good feelings when they take away the sad ones.

The amazing Brené Brown is always spot on.

A really good video insight into emotionally numbness from the always good Psych2go.

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123. I’ve been only existing for too long to remember.

The last few weeks have been really tough but they’ve taught me many things about myself and my life. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to look forward to anything and I’m just trying to get through each day. I’m living my life In limbo awaiting to crash, for it all to hit me. When all the past trauma hits me, it’s going to hurt like nothing I’ve experienced before. But that’s why I don’t ever stop running, the pain and heartache that’s just to come.

But it’s got to be time to stop running, hit the bottom of the rocks and learn to live again in the life I have left.

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122. That ship has sailed and is about to sink.

I know I’ve said it before but I know the ship is about to sink. What ship you ask? A wise colleague once said, well last week maybe, that hopefully doing half days until the end of term might keep me sane. I explained that that ship has definitely sailed and most probably lost at sea and that is the ship that will no doubt sink over Christmas. Hopefully I can make it to Christmas Day before it does.

Let’s see what state the ship is in when it gets washed up on the shore.

I only ask that you please check in on me to make sure I don’t drown with it.

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121. I only wish the nightmares would stop.

I’ve recently been prescribed a new AD which also helps me sleep. Without doubt, they are amazing at doing that. On the weekends I’m getting about 11 hours which earlier on in the year would take me sometimes 3 days to rack up. Yes they leave me feeling a bit drowsy in the mornings but at least I’m sleeping. But the nightmares that feel each nights sleep are awful and I can remember them so vividly each morning. Don’t think that’s help the overwhelming exhaustion I feel each day. Also when I close my eyes to go to sleep it’s like someone is playing clips of horror movies all mixed together on fast forward. I used to be able to use visualization to get to/back to sleep at night but the images are all that feels my eyes now when I close them during the night/day.

One of last nights nightmares was me having a full breakdown at school and just collapsing in a heap and trying to sleep on the floor at the entrance to our building. Someone rang an ambulance and I was taken to hospital in a complete crying/sweating/trying to sleep mess. It was a lot more graphic than that so hopefully that’s not a sign of what’s to come.

I wonder what delights are going to bless me tonight.

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120. When a phone call leaves you in pain

Another shitty milestone ticked off this week, trying to explain my whole life in less than 5 minutes to a complete stranger over the phone in a bid to get some more help for me personally and at work, where I currently feel so out of place that it’s gone from being my happy place to a place where I sit in the staff room feeling lonelier than I’ve felt in a long time.

Anyway back to the phone call. I explained everything as much as I could, not sure if I felt listened to as much as I needed but I’m trying to be hopeful as ever. It felt like the call helped plug one of the many holes in my cup of optimism but equally drilled a bigger one at the same time. I hung up from that call, with chest pains, a headache, another crack in my already shattered heart and tear filled eyes. Unfortunately I feel so numb at present that crying is the last thing I can do but the only thing I want to do.

So the OH therapist said that I should try and take some of the stress off by only working until lunchtime for the rest of the term, recommended that I book in with a counsellor as soon as possible and try and find the right prescription and dose for the meds. Will that be enough, I doubt it but it’s somewhere to start from and hope it finally takes some pressure off my already elevated heart rate.

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119. Next week….

Next week I tackle another obstacle, I have an occupational health appointment on Tuesday. I have no idea what it’s going to involve or what they can do to help if they can help. I’m already overthinking it and what will happen.

My head doesn’t think it can get through next week before it’s even started. That is not a good way to feel on a Sunday evening is it.

Friday night I returned to my dark place, not knowing which way to turn and what to do for the best. Feeling broken again. It’s obviously a very fine line between what flips the day for me. Is that my trigger?, is that what sets me off on a downwards spiral?

The time of the day I struggle with most is definitely the evenings, that’s when I feel the loneliness and feel like I hit the lows. In the end on Friday I drank wine to try and help blot it out and I went to bed. Saying that though some mornings I open my eyes and know from that very second the day is not going to be a good one.

Sometimes I long to reach out to people, to just hear their voices when I need to, to receive a message checking in on me but I never do, I never reach out because I feel like I’m bothering them or that they’ll think I’m attention seeking. I never ask anyone to be there when I really need them. I need to be able to ask for help. I write out a message or a text and then delete it without sending it, they wouldn’t want to read it anyway so what’s the point in clicking send.

I long for a time when I am free from feeling like this. Is that even possible? When will that even happen?

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115. Loneliness hurts like hell.

Feeling so alone is such a hard place to be. Feeling like no one understands or even wants to start to understand the turmoil inside my head. Feeling broken in a way that can’t be described to others. Desperately needing to get better and to find the help I need but not knowing where that help will come from or what that help will be. Feeling alone in a sea of people is truly heartbreaking. Not knowing who I can trust without being a burden on them. Where do I go from here?

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112. How do I even try to fix the crack when it’s buried so deep.

I can’t even contemplate how I’m supposed to start repairing the deep canyon of a crack inside of me. All I know is that I need to work out how before I fall any deeper. Another layer of paint has been brushed over the despairingly deep crack this week by yet another drug. A solution feels further from being found with each new layer of paint.

I just don’t feel I can keep my head above water long enough to feel like I’m making any progress in getting/feeling better. I have a week off work and I feel better for a bit then within hours of being back I feel just the same as before. I’m not blaming work, it’s much deeper than that, it’s something that I can’t explain. I’m literally hanging on by a thread, that and my badly chewed nails.

I’m trying so hard but I’m exhausted, actually I’m totally exhausted. Totally emotionally exhausted. I don’t know what to do for the best. Im trying to keep my bravest, strongest face on, to make myself better but it’s just not lasting long enough.

I think it’s come to the point where I’m admitting I need proper help. Whether that’s from you as a friend of some more professional help but I can’t carry on with this rollercoaster of an existence because that’s what I’m doing, I’m not living, I’m purely existing.

So what can you do to help? if I knew that I would have asked you already but I all I do know is that I need you all more than ever just to get me through the next few weeks. I just need to get past this tough part so I can take the biggest step of rebuilding from rock bottom. I’m going to find a new therapist as soon as I can, to get the professional help, I’m just asking you to be there for me personally please.

I need to start processing everything I’ve been through and start mourning/dealing with each massive loss in my life.

Emotions are tunnels. If you go all the way through them, you get to the end of the light at the end. Exhaustion happens when we get stuck in an emotion.

Emily & Amelia Nagoski – Authors of Burnout.

I’ve just listened to the most amazing book on burnout which used the above analogy of each emotion/trauma as a tunnel, there’s a beginning, when the event happened, the tunnel in which you travel to heal and recover. I’m currently re-listening to it again now, this time with the hard copy of the book now (Wednesday 25th pm) I could cry already at how true it is and I’ve only done the introduction so far.

The tunnel can take time to travel through properly but when the end is reached, finally the light at the end where everything is ok again is achieved , it’s like everything is going to be ok. My problem is that my life is just one bloody long tunnel now and I’m truly stuck hard in the sinking heavy mud in the middle. I can’t seem to escape the mud and get to the end.

All I’m asking is to know you’re there for me, to hold my hand (obviously not physically at the moment) and stand by my side through it all. To hold the box of tissues that I can use to wipe away my many tears. I’m not expecting you to have any answers. I’m not expecting you to tell me what I need to do. I just want to know you’re by my side when I need you. Which I definitely will.

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111. I’m reaching out for the help to stop me running.

I think it’s obvious that I need to stop running but how can I stop.

I know that I going to need help from those around me but I don’t know how to ask, what to ask for or how not to feeling like a burden.

I know that when I finally stop, it’s going to hurt like hell and I’m worried that when I fall, there won’t be anyone around to catch me.

How do I move forwards from where I am stuck and let what ever is coming hit me so I can recover fully.

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110. Exhausted is an understatement. Completely burntout is more apt.

I don’t know how I’m still standing. I’m completely exhausted at the moment. I’m literally hanging by a thread.

I don’t know what to do for the best. I don’t know whether to completely collapse or to keep on running. I am done.

Trust me when I say I long to choose the complete collapse option but all my body wants to do is run. How do I stop?

I read a book last week called burnout and it resonated with me so much that it scared me. I’m going to read it again this week and complete the exercises that go along with it. Maybe it will help, but it won’t hurt to try.

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109. In the end it just all boils down to trust.

My trust is not something I hand out lightly. Trust is something that I think is the foundation of any relationship but is so easily lost.

Trust for me in another person all boils down to attachment issues and my fear of losing even more people who I love in my life.

Trusting anyone enough to let them inside my walls is such a massive thing to me and that is why so very few people are allowed inside, to get the smallest glimpse of who I really am.

You are here because I trust you enough to read what I’ve written in this blog. I thought I could trust you all enough to be honest with me, when I needed it. I hoped that I could trust you with what I’ve said to you in the past.

At the moment I’m in some much emotional pain that I don’t know what to do for the best.

My question at the moment though is, can I continue to trust you to be with me going forward. To be there if I need you to be.

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105. One year on.

One year ago today, I wrote my first post, it took me 3 months to write the 2nd. I have written things that I would never have the courage to say in person, but I’ve kept so much hidden still. I have written about thoughts, feelings and emotions that I’ve felt, but I have so more to say.

I would like to say that this year has been great and that I feel better but in truth I feel loads worse. 2020 has been a tough year for all, yet for those who were already suffering from any MH issue, this year made everything 100 times worse.

I hit a point last week where I knew I had to put myself first for the first time in a very long time. I felt completely exhausted and emotionally burnt out. It was making me physically ill, my body ached, my head was so heavy and on occasions, just opening my eyes hurt. I knew that I couldn’t carry on feeling like this. I knew I had to hit the stop button. It’s time for me to put my happiness and health above everything else, because it was killing me feeling like I did.

I would like to thank those few individuals that have taken their time to make sure I’m ok, the texts, the phone calls, the many walks, especially the muddy ones and just knowing I have people around me, even though I feel lonelier that ever. Hopefully onwards and upwards at some point anyway.

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100. 100 posts on and feeling worse.

Long, heartfelt, sad and painful jumbled post ahead.

100 posts written so far, most of them password protected or hidden from everyone, the same way I hide myself from others. 100 posts written and I’m feeling no better because I’ve not really shared with anyone how I truly feel. 100 posts, some have scared me, many have made me cry but almost all make me feel totally alone. 100 posts and I’m still feeling as broken and lonely as I was at the start of the year. 100 posts written and I’m actually feeling more depressed than I was before I started. 100 posts done and I’m still running.

When I started this blog last year. I hoped that I would get some kind of help or relief from it but alas no. Talking and writing doesn’t always help, mainly because no one is really listening or reading these posts, even when they subscribe or I ask them to. Or is it because I’m not sharing with the right people.

I just wish that I didn’t feel like this, I wish I had someone who I could truly trust without me feeling like a burden to them. I wish I didn’t feel so alone all the time. I don’t think I can ever write down or tell anyone how I am really feeling at the moment. I don’t trust anyone, no one is getting inside the deepest part of me. I’ll carry on hiding it and living this fake happy life forever at this rate. I also don’t trust anyone not to leave me when the going gets really tough. I don’t trust anyone to truly be there for me when I really need them. Everyone is kept at arms length to protect my fragile heart and mind.

I think Friday was a pivotal moment of realisation for me. Everyone falls for the mask and no one truly sees through it. I need to make some changes to my life. I need to start thinking about myself more and not about pleasing others. I need to stop people pleasing and be the selfish person that everyone is to me.

I need something that I know is currently missing but how do I find it when I don’t know what it is.

I’m fed up of feeling alone. I’m fed up of feeling like I do. I’m fed up of fighting my battles with no one on my side. I’m fed up of disturbing people and wasting my time on the wrong people. I’m fed up with feeling like I don’t belong. I’m fed up of feeling like I’ll never be enough. I’m fed up of chasing and no one fighting for me to be in their life. I’m fed up feeling the pain inside my heart that I feel. I’m fed up of living behind the mask. I’ve lost the real me in all of this and I desperately deserve to find her again.

I need to find a way to heal from my past traumas, I have such a confused head that I don’t know which way is up most of the time. I don’t know where to begin, I don’t know how to begin and I don’t know what to begin with. My head feels such a jumbled mess of things.

One of my major issues is grief and me never processing any of it. For example, I have a photo of my parents on my notice board in my sewing room and I often look at the photo but I feel nothing, I don’t feel like they are my parents looking back at me, I don’t want to say they feel like strangers but I can’t connect with the people in the photo. How am I supposed to move forward if I can’t feel anything. How did my head get this messed up and where did it all go so wrong.

My head is such a cloudy, painful, lonely and confused mess. I’m fed up of feeling like no one cares about me, I’m fed up living under this cloud of darkness.

I don’t have much more fight in me but fighting is all I can do and is what I will carry on doing.

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99. Struggling, lonely and numb.

I’ve been struggling for what seems an eternity. However, struggling is so hard to explain to those around me but it’s a quick universal answer. At least it’s a step on from the “I’m fine” response.

Struggling is all of the below things but to me it’s mostly loneliness. Needing that one person to check on me but feeling like a burden for contacting them. Regretting every message I send as soon as I’ve hit send. Thinking that no one wants to waste their time on me, that no one cares.

Why is my head so fucked up, why can’t I escape the thoughts whirling around inside my head and the jumble of feelings inside my heart.

I’m constantly exhausted by just daily living but especially the daily living of the fake life that I lead.

At least the drugs are working and the numbness has returned.

134. I hate school holidays!

I hate half term holidays but equally desperately need them. I just about got through the last term but the energy needed to make it through the last week especially has left me extra exhausted this week. Today therefore I’ve decided to stay in bed all day and let the heavy feeling win.

My head is feeling constantly heavy and cloudy, my body feels heavy and aching, my legs are so painful that it is absolutely killing them to even walk up and down the stairs. They feel like they’ve tuna marathon each day. it’s a tough call as to which is tiredest, my mind or my body.

Trying to work out whether my depression or my anxiety is higher at the moment. My head is feeling so numb at the moment but at the same time racing and overthinking everything.

Stuck in the middle of desperately wanting help but not wanting to disturb anyone. I’ve typed out messages to people and then deleted them because I am desperately trying not to need anyone to help me but knowing that deep down I do.

Oh and I’ve got the joy of therapy to look forward to tonight too and having cried through the last two sessions, tonight is going to be another hard one for me.

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